Milestone birthday this week.
As you’d imagine, I’ve been introspective. Am I living my best life? If I go out tomorrow, will I have regrets?
If you’ve asked my advice, I’ve recommended the adventure over the status-quo; the challenge over the straight path; the Soup Number 5 over the chicken fingers. I’ve told you challenges grow you and discomfort makes you stronger. I come from personal experience — I’ve found regrets only inside the comfortable and the “supposed tos”.
So watch the video. And afterwards, if you want, you can keep reading this short post. But I won’t be offended if you choose to act on the emotions of the question, “What if you just had one more day? What are you going to do today?”
The day I had regrets.
Thursday, December 3rd 2015 started off with a strange, uncomfortable internal pain – which I chose to ignore. I was married to my schedule and my routine. So I went to the gym, got ready for work, dropped the kids off at their schools, and was at my school by 7:50am. A little voice told me, “Go to the hospital” as I walked into my classroom, but my duty was to my students, to my school, and to my responsibility to everyone else. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” I told my brain.
The pains would come and go every 5 minutes by that time. I taught (or, I tried to teach) my first period pre-calculus class. (I’ll never forget – it was a lesson on the Law of Sines ambiguous case. The “ASS” case. A tricky lesson involving logic, geometry, and effective cursing.) But I hit a point where the pain was so intense I’d have to stop the lesson and sit to take deep breaths. A student suggested I had appendicitis. And I remembered from natural childbirth the indication of real pain was the inability to walk or talk when it hit – and THIS is when I decided to step off that path of expectations of others and ask for help.
A coworker drove me to the hospital and a short while later, I was lying on a stretcher receiving an ultrasound on my abdomen. Stunned techs ran around me loudly relaying their confusion to each other. I’d had enough pain medicine to take the edge off the intensity, but at this point my stomach was beginning to protrude near my belly button and I understood the voices around me were screaming, “Emergency!”
When you think you are on your death bed, or when you’re given terrible news, or when you are in your last moments, I think the thoughts are the same: Have I said and done enough? Do the people I love know how I feel about them? Will my children remember me?
At 40 my regrets are now the words I didn’t say to the people I love.
But few are given a second chance to change how they live their life.
For the record, I had an intussusception – my small intestine telescoped into my large intestine and was sucked further and further until emergency surgery saved my life. It took a while for the doctors to solve my mystery because an intussusception is so rare in adults, especially in females. I was told at first it was most likely caused by colon cancer, though thankfully, the pathology report came back clear a few days later. After a full 6 days in the hospital and 26 staples down my abdomen, I was released into the arms of my loving family.
What if you just had one more day? What are you going to do today?
Rest in peace, Daniel Moore.
For what it’s worth … it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.
– F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button